Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Randomize
