Where is the hickey?
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
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