I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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