I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
