So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
