I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
