Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
