I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
