i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Randomize
