I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
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