Afterall, it is the real San Francisco treat
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Randomize
