community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
