Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
