Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
