Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
