your room smells of hookers.
And success
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
