I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
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