I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Randomize
