I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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