I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Randomize
