Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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