So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
I woke up under a house in Key West
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