i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
im getting my college education on yahoo answers.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
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