that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
