my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Sorry my hands just texted you
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
