you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
