Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
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Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize