Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
