dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
