hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
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