You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
