I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Who died my cat blue again?
Randomize
