I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Randomize
