'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
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