just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
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