My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
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