Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
I think we might need a safe word for this...
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
