So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Randomize
