Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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