The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
FUCK WHALES
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
