i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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