My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I'm sobbing to NWA
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
