I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Boobs are out for the taking
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
