I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
