So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
