If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
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