I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Randomize
