dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
