I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
