Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
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