i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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