eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I deserve this hangover.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
