I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges