i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Rumble strips road head = magical
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
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