I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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