Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
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he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
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This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today