You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
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